The Dire Need to Divert

Congratulations was in order as my facebook home floods with newly licensed chemists. I had to oblige. We are friends after all. The effect of a clinical congratulations was mandatory to keep the bridge of friendship maintained in its stable glory. I did attempt for variation. Sometimes, I inserted a smiley face after the congratulations. I liked all the comments of course. That too was mandatory. Yet that simple act stung.

I'm still stuck hear - waiting, waning. My toes still curling at the sight of people and sometimes, I try not to notice but I just couldn't help it. I'm nearing the end, yes, that is true but I feel so tired. This rut that I'm in eats me to my very core that the simple "hindi na kasi umuusad ang mga tao" left pangs of guilty, despair, even desperation.

I know. I know I will soon come out of this rut. But how long will it take? I also know the answer to that. A month. One agonizing month of paper work and boxes and choirs and moving and I don't even know where I'm going. People ask me, "What are you going to do next?" and I answer them with a generic, "I don't know. We'll see."

I know what I want to do. I just don't know how to get there. The Fates are somehow playing the odds against me. It's unnerving. I want to set their house on fire (if they had one) and scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

Of course, I have been praying to God. He's been generous. He always answered my prayers. And like the bible says, "Good things come to those who wait". (Did the Bible say that? I really don't know. Don't judge me.) And I have been waiting. Waiting. Waiting. My hands itching for the opportunity. Quite honestly, it's already there. The dream. It's at arm's reach. But whenever I feel like grasping it, I hesitate. Then I ask myself:

Am I worthy? Do I have the proper skills?

I check Odesk and apparently, I don't which sends my ego into a rampage. "Your job application has been declined." What the freaking freak?? Three straight job offers. Great! Nice job me.

How can a set of questions degrade a human being? Easy. Turn them into a questionnaire.

Nevermind that... I tried poetry four hours ago. And from what I mustered, I wasn't that bad. I should try poetry, I guess. Maybe, that's what I need to divert this confusion out of my orbit and into some forsaken alternate era where the things even intangible spontaneously combust upon landing on its atmosphere.

I hope my confusion bursts into flames. I want it to.

Until the next derision.